I’ve had a really confusing day, and the emotions I’m feeling are almost crushing me.
Last night was the first night in a week that I actually got to sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend, due to his kids being here. Their mom picked them up yesterday morning, so I was looking forward to the alone time.
We had a great night. We watched some movies, shared some cuddle time, and went to bed late as ever. Fast forward to this morning….I felt a weird vibe from him. Eventually, it prompted me to ask him if he was still ok with the relationship. He hesitated, and started to tell me how he got used to not sleeping next to me the past week, and it was weird to share the bed again. I asked if he meant good weird or bad weird….then changed my question to “would you rather sleep alone?”.
And he said “I think so”.
Now, I know that doesn’t mean he wants to break up and all. So I didn’t panic. But I did ask him if he really wanted me there, because I had been staying with him for a couple of weeks. He proceeded to tell me that he felt like he didn’t have much space, and that he felt bad that I did so much cooking and cleaning, as well as watching his kids.
I thought about this, and told him that it made sense to me to keep the house in order etc because there’s no reason he should work 10+ hours and have to come home to do domestic things (at least, not while I’m there). And as far as the kids went, the alternative would have been them going with him to the office all day. That would have been boring for them, and distracting for him. I also reasoned that it would be important to bond with them, in the event we did take this relationship further.
He agreed with me. But in the back of my mind, I was wondering how a relationship can go further if he feels crowded? How many couples would function while sleeping in separate rooms?
I asked him if he wanted to take me home, and he said that he knew I wanted to be there (and that it allowed me to get work done). I asked him the question again, pointing out that I wasn’t asking what he thought I wanted. He never really answered me.
So, I’m confused as hell. He tells me he loves me, but then shows few signs of being able to handle a real relationship (due to his traumatic marriage and divorce). I even asked him directly if he was ready for a relationship, and he said he wasn’t sure….but cited finances as a reason. I know it’s something deeper than that, because once I am working again full time that would eliminate that issue.
Not sure what to do. But despite the 8 hours of sleep I was able to get, I feel totally exhausted with zero attention span. I ended up sleeping a few hours in the afternoon….and no, not in his bed.
I obviously need to tell him how I feel, but every time I try he clams up. Partially because he feels confronted, partially because he feels guilty. He’ll listen, but not really say how he feels in response. I’ve never met a more emotionally defensive person, but I understand why he’s that way.
I guess I’ll try this sleeping separately thing. But I’m struggling with the idea of just telling him I want to put the relationship on ice for now, because I can’t settle for just some aspects of it. If we’re talking about sleeping alone and feeling crowded….how can this honestly go anywhere?
I see a husband in him, and a lifelong best friend. He’ll be my best friend regardless, but at some point I’ve got to decide what’s more logical. I’ve met him more than half way; I’ve crossed half of the world. But if he can’t understand how much I’ve risked and come out of his fortress a little…..I can’t keep this up too long.